"...I would never dare to say this in any other way unless I'm not sure you won't read it. It's just... I miss you like crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, what you're doing, when I'm going to see you, whether you think of me at least once in awhile... It's like being sick all the time. Nausea, starting somewhere in my stomach, and spreading upwards to my lungs and throat and face. Every nerve in my body trembles, awaits.... I don't even know for what. Here I am... writing this right know, acting like some fool. I don't like this feeling of being dependable. And that's what I am. Why would it matter if you think of me? Would it change something?
Of course not. I don't know whether you know it, but I certainly do. It won't bring nothing much then a short satisfaction, and then nothing but pain. Cause it hurts already, I can't imagine what will happen then.
I want your attention like some selfish, spoiled little brat. I want you to spoil me, I want you to care. I want you... There... I said it... I want you..."

"...I still want to drown whenever you leave...
Please teach me gently on how to breathe..."
I can't get him out of my head. I feel possessed, out of place and time. I miss everything he is. His presence haunts me like a ghost. It's not a desire, I would never dare to say it's love. A part of me is missing along with him.... And I need that part to be able to think, to be able to breathe..."
 

"...I feel like I'm living some double life. Trapped. Today I got exited just because I red his words written on the paper. Exhilarated to the highest point possible. Stupid... There is something in him that draws my intention. I wanna steal the most inner part of his soul, the most intimate thoughts, the darkest truths. I wanna trick him, consciously, into wanting me, liking me... loving me. I don't even care if it hurts him. So egocentric, so selfish... I'm playing with fire... And I'm afraid, in the end it would be me who gets hurt..."

"...Epiphany - an experience of sudden and striking realization.
I'm pretending I'm running away from him, pretending I don't care. Hide and seek. I'm waiting for this feeling to pass, so positive it will. I'm deceiving myself I'm in control. I'm tricking only myself that I'm in charge. He has the most absolute power over me! It's the most absurd feeling that I have never felt before. All this time I was believing into something based on pure smoke: that he cares about me. I don't even know why. Based upon what? And suddenly this malicious realization that's been rotting my brain out....
What if he's not? It's even hilarious that it hasn't stroke me up until now.
And that's his ultimate power. He controls my every move, my every thought, every dream, every single breath. I'm depending on him to show a little mercy. I've gone a short way from being the mistress of everything he is, to miserable dependable creature."

"...I have this urge to tell about him... Sometimes I miss him so badly I can barely stand it. Last night I passed some older men. A scent of his perfume preoccupied all my senses. One of them was wearing it. I knew he wasn't there. I knew I wouldn't find him if I turned around. Yet I did. Facing nothing but the dark and strangers. An image of my lips accidentally touching his neck fleshed before my eyes. The way he pulled my head toward his, almost hatefully. He told me a wave of heat suddenly overwhelmed him. I never told him something punches me every time he enters that damn door, every time I see him coming down the staircase. How could I? I never will...
Don't want this to sound so pathetic and dramatic. I'm not some head over heels in love teenager. He's not some teenager. Although he sometimes acts like it. I don't know why I'm feeling like he's hiding something. Sometimes I think he's sad. Like he's faking a smile. Maybe he's a lot like me.
I know what's like to fake a smile...
He doesn't know I notice him the moment he enters the room. I'm just pretending I'm not. I'm dying for just a moment with him. Just being next to him, without touching, without even speaking. Just standing there... It's like a hunger. The vampire thirst. I imagine it that way. Maybe it's because of that "neck accident". I want it so bad that it hurts. I want to scream and make everyone disappear, to silence everyone. I want to listen for what he's been saying all the time, although it's irrelevant, I want him to hold my hand the way he sometimes does... Someone stop all the clocks!..."