"I still think about you..."

July 3, 2013

"I've never asked you anything...
Please be there tomorrow.
Just be there.
Where all my dreams start and end..."

Meg

Yours

"There is something that troubles me... You see yourself in everything I do. You have seen the similarity between someone who has been chosen on purpose to look like you. You've opened the heart and ask for your picture. You've told me I'm yours. And I wish I have been offended. 

Sometimes I think I know the answers, even before I ask the questions. The rest of the time I'm just wandering do you honestly care about me. The truth is - I don't think I wanna know. I could be anything, blind, jealous, sad, indifferent, impatient, all the bad thing you can think of. But one thing I'm not - stupid. I know I could never be yours... And the moment you'd told me that you want me I would have been crushed. Because than, I'd have to say no. At least like this I can still pretend that I have a choice..."

"I could be yours if you write me a letter.

I could be yours if you see me in the street.

I could be sometimes, always or never...

I could be all of the things you'd ask of me."

"I want this to be the wine talking. I'm not so positive I could count on that though.
It's been a while.
Guess you thought I'm over you.
Guess I thought I'm over you.
Don't know who of us two should be more disappointed. But I miss you. Damn it, I miss you. Still waiting for you around every corner, still imaging I could sense your perfume, your presence. I know it's not right... The way I'm searching for you when I shouldn't, the way I'm ignoring the others. You would understand... I have this need that has been torturing me for days to tell you how much I've missed you. I spin this picture inside my head like a broken record - me hugging you, whispering those words to you, and you thinking... god knows what. I haven't figure out that part yet. But I know you care about me, you can't deny me that. Now I know it.
I know it would hurt to see you with her, believe me I'm well aware of that. But the trick is, that is still the risk I would gladly take, just so to be able to see you for a moment. Just for a stupid little moment... For all you know, I barely think of you when we're apart. For the sake of argument, let's say you're wrong, there is one hypothetical question, how am I going to endure for two more months?
This is my piece of paper, I can write whatever I want... I want to say this, and forgive my selfish reasons, but it won't affect you in any way... I can write, since I can't say...
I miss you... Miss you more than I could say..."

"I don't know how much longer I can endure... I was on the verge of crying today. I couldn't handle it. I barely know how I pulled myself together. This time I'm really afraid I'm going to do something stupid. I placed my palm on his cheek today, than pulled it next to mine... Goodness knows how much I wanted to keep him like that. I wanted to appropriate him! To make him mine...  
He is everything I can think about. I need him. Suffice it to say how much I need him. Is he different towards me? I can't say... Maybe it influenced him what I have said the other day. I lied to him. Not quite lied, but I wasn't honest either. I'm not as worried about her as much about her finding out how I feel just by looking at my face. What a bunch of nonsense! Not even I myself know what exactly do I feel.
This is madness! I can't keep on doing this...
I drowned in his eyes while saying goodbye... Drowned... What a sad word. I wish a glance could revealed all I wanted him to know. All I could never say to him... not ever. I'm still sinking to the bottom..."

"Am I already lost?
I see him in every man approaching. I think it's his figure, or walk, or voice... It drives me crazy. I can barely pretend I'm normal. I keep striving towards him against my better judgement. It is absolutely ridiculous how he affects me. I'm always looking for where he is, I'm in desperate need of him being next to me, I want him to hold me whenever he wants, I want to let him.
I'm jealous! Absurd! But I am. I don't wanna know how I look like when I see him positioned next to someone else. Most of the time I can't even look while he's hugging any other girl. The rest of the time I'm worrying someone may realize how that affects me. So I'm pretending...
Pretending I'm not dying inside.
Am I already lost to him?"