Thursday, May 16, 2013

"I don't know how much longer I can endure... I was on the verge of crying today. I couldn't handle it. I barely know how I pulled myself together. This time I'm really afraid I'm going to do something stupid. I placed my palm on his cheek today, than pulled it next to mine... Goodness knows how much I wanted to keep him like that. I wanted to appropriate him! To make him mine...  
He is everything I can think about. I need him. Suffice it to say how much I need him. Is he different towards me? I can't say... Maybe it influenced him what I have said the other day. I lied to him. Not quite lied, but I wasn't honest either. I'm not as worried about her as much about her finding out how I feel just by looking at my face. What a bunch of nonsense! Not even I myself know what exactly do I feel.
This is madness! I can't keep on doing this...
I drowned in his eyes while saying goodbye... Drowned... What a sad word. I wish a glance could revealed all I wanted him to know. All I could never say to him... not ever. I'm still sinking to the bottom..."

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

"Am I already lost?
I see him in every man approaching. I think it's his figure, or walk, or voice... It drives me crazy. I can barely pretend I'm normal. I keep striving towards him against my better judgement. It is absolutely ridiculous how he affects me. I'm always looking for where he is, I'm in desperate need of him being next to me, I want him to hold me whenever he wants, I want to let him.
I'm jealous! Absurd! But I am. I don't wanna know how I look like when I see him positioned next to someone else. Most of the time I can't even look while he's hugging any other girl. The rest of the time I'm worrying someone may realize how that affects me. So I'm pretending...
Pretending I'm not dying inside.
Am I already lost to him?"