Tuesday, April 30, 2013

"I was heart broken... Although I had no right to be. I watched his hand around her waist like some masochistic lunatic, and it burned my flesh.That hand of his was holding mine just a little before that.
"Give me your hand", he commanded and I listened. I did what he asked. And I couldn't let go. I pretended it was a game, what in the world could I else do? But I felt clearly as I can hear the rain, or fire alarm, my heart beat raising, pumping blood. I needed air! All I could think about is that I needed a mask for breathing, like when you go underwater. Tingles. The need. The hunger. I didn't want to let go. He let go...
I sensed the difference. Something wasn't right but I couldn't figure out what exactly. My instincts were right as soon as he mentioned her name. But I refused to grasp, to believe. I refused to see... And even than, with his face next to hers, his hand around her, everything seemed wrong. Completely, madly wrong. I went from zero to sixty in less than a few seconds. And it didn't go any better...
I could say that it didn't hurt. Who would know the truth! I could say that I didn't care. But I went numb. Oblivious to everything around me. Only the one used to acting would know the state of mind you're into and the strength needed to resist - to act, pretend like nothing in this messed up world is wrong.
I remember the next few hours as dark and blur. I kept watching through the window... I wish I had less selfish reasons for that, I wish I was just enjoying the sun and the good weather. I kept waiting for him to come, although it was clear from the beginning that he won't. And the idea of where he was had rotted my brain out. I had no voice...
In the end he saved me... He appeared as a prodigy in front of me. I had never forget that line I read about him... I could never let myself to forget about that idea planted in my mind... But it was so easy to believe that he was there because of me... Too easy... My suspicions confirmed, worms had eaten my mind and body, weaken, powerless, executed, end of story, goodbye, the end! So easily crushed... Was that his intention? Or........ No!
I've been toying with the idea that I feel something for him for weeks now. Maybe it'll be easier now when I know he's forbidden and lost just like I am... Maybe I would just stop wondering..." 

No comments:

Post a Comment