Wednesday, October 23, 2013

"You have just pierced my soul and turned it upside-down..."

Saturday, August 17, 2013

"There were moments when you slipped off of my mind.
And it lasted for a while...
Then it all came back crushing like the waves on the pointy cliffs. And the same feeling, an overwhelming sensation of your absence pressed my chest with one powerful hit and settled there. Hurting..."

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

"I still think about you..."

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

July 3, 2013

"I've never asked you anything...
Please be there tomorrow.
Just be there.
Where all my dreams start and end..."

Monday, July 1, 2013



"There is something that troubles me... You see yourself in everything I do. You have seen the similarity between someone who has been chosen on purpose to look like you. You've opened the heart and ask for your picture. You've told me I'm yours. And I wish I have been offended. 
Sometimes I think I know the answers, even before I ask the questions. The rest of the time I'm just wandering do you honestly care about me. The truth is - I don't think I wanna know. I could be anything, blind, jealous, sad, indifferent, impatient, all the bad thing you can think of. But one thing I'm not - stupid. I know I could never be yours... And the moment you'd told me that you want me I would have been crushed. Because than, I'd have to say no. At least like this I can still pretend that I have a choice..."
"I could be yours if you write me a letter.
I could be yours if you see me in the street.
I could be sometimes, always or never...
I could be all of the things you'd ask of me."

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

"I want this to be the wine talking. I'm not so positive I could count on that though.
It's been a while.
Guess you thought I'm over you.
Guess I thought I'm over you.
Don't know who of us two should be more disappointed. But I miss you. Damn it, I miss you. Still waiting for you around every corner, still imaging I could sense your perfume, your presence. I know it's not right... The way I'm searching for you when I shouldn't, the way I'm ignoring the others. You would understand... I have this need that has been torturing me for days to tell you how much I've missed you. I spin this picture inside my head like a broken record - me hugging you, whispering those words to you, and you thinking... god knows what. I haven't figure out that part yet. But I know you care about me, you can't deny me that. Now I know it.
I know it would hurt to see you with her, believe me I'm well aware of that. But the trick is, that is still the risk I would gladly take, just so to be able to see you for a moment. Just for a stupid little moment... For all you know, I barely think of you when we're apart. For the sake of argument, let's say you're wrong, there is one hypothetical question, how am I going to endure for two more months?
This is my piece of paper, I can write whatever I want... I want to say this, and forgive my selfish reasons, but it won't affect you in any way... I can write, since I can't say...
I miss you... Miss you more than I could say..."

Thursday, May 16, 2013

"I don't know how much longer I can endure... I was on the verge of crying today. I couldn't handle it. I barely know how I pulled myself together. This time I'm really afraid I'm going to do something stupid. I placed my palm on his cheek today, than pulled it next to mine... Goodness knows how much I wanted to keep him like that. I wanted to appropriate him! To make him mine...  
He is everything I can think about. I need him. Suffice it to say how much I need him. Is he different towards me? I can't say... Maybe it influenced him what I have said the other day. I lied to him. Not quite lied, but I wasn't honest either. I'm not as worried about her as much about her finding out how I feel just by looking at my face. What a bunch of nonsense! Not even I myself know what exactly do I feel.
This is madness! I can't keep on doing this...
I drowned in his eyes while saying goodbye... Drowned... What a sad word. I wish a glance could revealed all I wanted him to know. All I could never say to him... not ever. I'm still sinking to the bottom..."

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

"Am I already lost?
I see him in every man approaching. I think it's his figure, or walk, or voice... It drives me crazy. I can barely pretend I'm normal. I keep striving towards him against my better judgement. It is absolutely ridiculous how he affects me. I'm always looking for where he is, I'm in desperate need of him being next to me, I want him to hold me whenever he wants, I want to let him.
I'm jealous! Absurd! But I am. I don't wanna know how I look like when I see him positioned next to someone else. Most of the time I can't even look while he's hugging any other girl. The rest of the time I'm worrying someone may realize how that affects me. So I'm pretending...
Pretending I'm not dying inside.
Am I already lost to him?"

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

"I was heart broken... Although I had no right to be. I watched his hand around her waist like some masochistic lunatic, and it burned my flesh.That hand of his was holding mine just a little before that.
"Give me your hand", he commanded and I listened. I did what he asked. And I couldn't let go. I pretended it was a game, what in the world could I else do? But I felt clearly as I can hear the rain, or fire alarm, my heart beat raising, pumping blood. I needed air! All I could think about is that I needed a mask for breathing, like when you go underwater. Tingles. The need. The hunger. I didn't want to let go. He let go...
I sensed the difference. Something wasn't right but I couldn't figure out what exactly. My instincts were right as soon as he mentioned her name. But I refused to grasp, to believe. I refused to see... And even than, with his face next to hers, his hand around her, everything seemed wrong. Completely, madly wrong. I went from zero to sixty in less than a few seconds. And it didn't go any better...
I could say that it didn't hurt. Who would know the truth! I could say that I didn't care. But I went numb. Oblivious to everything around me. Only the one used to acting would know the state of mind you're into and the strength needed to resist - to act, pretend like nothing in this messed up world is wrong.
I remember the next few hours as dark and blur. I kept watching through the window... I wish I had less selfish reasons for that, I wish I was just enjoying the sun and the good weather. I kept waiting for him to come, although it was clear from the beginning that he won't. And the idea of where he was had rotted my brain out. I had no voice...
In the end he saved me... He appeared as a prodigy in front of me. I had never forget that line I read about him... I could never let myself to forget about that idea planted in my mind... But it was so easy to believe that he was there because of me... Too easy... My suspicions confirmed, worms had eaten my mind and body, weaken, powerless, executed, end of story, goodbye, the end! So easily crushed... Was that his intention? Or........ No!
I've been toying with the idea that I feel something for him for weeks now. Maybe it'll be easier now when I know he's forbidden and lost just like I am... Maybe I would just stop wondering..." 

Monday, April 15, 2013

"...If only he knew how much I miss him every time he's not around... It's unbearable to handle. I'm mad at him! Crazy at it sounds, I blame him every time he doesn't show up. How dare he! That's the only thought running around in circles in my mind all the time. Like I have any rights to ask that. But that ragging hunger makes it sound like it's my every right to want him next to me all the time. I'm impatient, restless, able to only think when we're about to see next. And what happens? He's not there. I'm dying to mention him, to talk about him, but I can't. I'm afraid I'm revealing too much already. And I can't... I mustn't...
Had he known the way I feel about him, would he have acted differently? What am I talking about... I love his attention already. It's more than I could afford it. More than I should dare to have been caught up into. I love that melting in his eyes when he looks at me sometimes, the way it softens; I love his voice - so soothing and calm - I can drew it forth anytime. Love the way he hugs me so soft and gentle, like I'm some little porcelain doll, like he could crush me if he comes just a little bit closer.
I remember once, the way he stood next to me. It was the closets he ever was. It confused me like it never did before. Warmth! Heat! Hell on earth! I could swear he felt something... but he moved, because it was a decent thing to do. Decent.... Do I even know anymore what that word means...."

Saturday, April 13, 2013

"...I cannot be in the same room with him and not feeling his presence. I'm aware of his every move, every change, every look... position of his body compared to mine. His whole existence surrounds me inevitably like a girdle. It stops me from breathing, but I need it to be able to exist. He kissed my shoulder, so lightly, so lovely... I can still feel the tender, warmth and simplicity of his gesture that overwhelmed me. I couldn't look him in the eyes in that moment. I felt like I'm transparent and that he would be able to know... He would know...
He told me he loved me. It was one of those sentences, everyday, casual, not bearing anything else but tenderness, gratitude, simple affection. The most simple one. But it was... I'm still searching for the right word... It was more than a surprise, less than a shock, because I couldn't let myself to dive into it. My facade needed to be perfect, I needed to be perfectly calm, my words needed to be perfectly organized into a meaningful, well-arranged sentences, when nothing really was perfect. I wanted to hear him saying those words to me, over, and over, and over, and over again...
I dreamt of him last night... And he was mine... He had really loved me last night..."

Sunday, April 7, 2013

"...I would never dare to say this in any other way unless I'm not sure you won't read it. It's just... I miss you like crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, what you're doing, when I'm going to see you, whether you think of me at least once in awhile... It's like being sick all the time. Nausea, starting somewhere in my stomach, and spreading upwards to my lungs and throat and face. Every nerve in my body trembles, awaits.... I don't even know for what. Here I am... writing this right know, acting like some fool. I don't like this feeling of being dependable. And that's what I am. Why would it matter if you think of me? Would it change something?
Of course not. I don't know whether you know it, but I certainly do. It won't bring nothing much then a short satisfaction, and then nothing but pain. Cause it hurts already, I can't imagine what will happen then.
I want your attention like some selfish, spoiled little brat. I want you to spoil me, I want you to care. I want you... There... I said it... I want you..."

Thursday, April 4, 2013

"...I still want to drown whenever you leave...
Please teach me gently on how to breathe..."
I can't get him out of my head. I feel possessed, out of place and time. I miss everything he is. His presence haunts me like a ghost. It's not a desire, I would never dare to say it's love. A part of me is missing along with him.... And I need that part to be able to think, to be able to breathe..."

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

"...I feel like I'm living some double life. Trapped. Today I got exited just because I red his words written on the paper. Exhilarated to the highest point possible. Stupid... There is something in him that draws my intention. I wanna steal the most inner part of his soul, the most intimate thoughts, the darkest truths. I wanna trick him, consciously, into wanting me, liking me... loving me. I don't even care if it hurts him. So egocentric, so selfish... I'm playing with fire... And I'm afraid, in the end it would be me who gets hurt..."

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

"...Epiphany - an experience of sudden and striking realization.
I'm pretending I'm running away from him, pretending I don't care. Hide and seek. I'm waiting for this feeling to pass, so positive it will. I'm deceiving myself I'm in control. I'm tricking only myself that I'm in charge. He has the most absolute power over me! It's the most absurd feeling that I have never felt before. All this time I was believing into something based on pure smoke: that he cares about me. I don't even know why. Based upon what? And suddenly this malicious realization that's been rotting my brain out....
What if he's not? It's even hilarious that it hasn't stroke me up until now.
And that's his ultimate power. He controls my every move, my every thought, every dream, every single breath. I'm depending on him to show a little mercy. I've gone a short way from being the mistress of everything he is, to miserable dependable creature."

Monday, April 1, 2013

"...I have this urge to tell about him... Sometimes I miss him so badly I can barely stand it. Last night I passed some older men. A scent of his perfume preoccupied all my senses. One of them was wearing it. I knew he wasn't there. I knew I wouldn't find him if I turned around. Yet I did. Facing nothing but the dark and strangers. An image of my lips accidentally touching his neck fleshed before my eyes. The way he pulled my head toward his, almost hatefully. He told me a wave of heat suddenly overwhelmed him. I never told him something punches me every time he enters that damn door, every time I see him coming down the staircase. How could I? I never will...
Don't want this to sound so pathetic and dramatic. I'm not some head over heels in love teenager. He's not some teenager. Although he sometimes acts like it. I don't know why I'm feeling like he's hiding something. Sometimes I think he's sad. Like he's faking a smile. Maybe he's a lot like me.
I know what's like to fake a smile...
He doesn't know I notice him the moment he enters the room. I'm just pretending I'm not. I'm dying for just a moment with him. Just being next to him, without touching, without even speaking. Just standing there... It's like a hunger. The vampire thirst. I imagine it that way. Maybe it's because of that "neck accident". I want it so bad that it hurts. I want to scream and make everyone disappear, to silence everyone. I want to listen for what he's been saying all the time, although it's irrelevant, I want him to hold my hand the way he sometimes does... Someone stop all the clocks!..."